Does time heal? It has been 30 days since my sons death and I don't feel like I'm healing.  Honestly, I feel empty.  Detached.  Is this real?  I say no, but the reality is it is.  This is my new world.  A place without my youngest son. A place I have to get used to being in.  I think once I get some of this off of my chest, when my heart is not so heavy, I can breathe again, until then, right now, this may be what's keeping me sane.

No mother should have to endure what I am going through.  No family should have to suffer the heartache and pain.  I want to be able to breathe and it not hurt so much.  Sometimes it feels like the air is being sucked out of me.  My chest feels like it's going to explode, because my heart hurts so much. Breathe...breathe....breathe.....yes, slowly I will breathe again.  I miss you son.  I miss you so much.

December 31, 2011, what a year.  I turned 50, feel great, temporarily joined the gym....lol.  But of all things, my heart is heavy, sometimes I can't breath.  I lost my youngest son, my baby on November 31st.  Life has changed for all of us.  He was only 25.  He was murdered.  He didnt deserve that.  So....the holidays went pass in a blur.  I'm still in fog.  I miss my son.  I have to bring the new year stronger than before. My faith keeps me strong.  My faith keeps me sane.

I'm freaking out......

I just freaked myself out.  I googled cherylali.blogspot.com and my blog Cheryl's World popped up.  I'm published....lol. I can check off one more thing on my "bucket list".  As I get older I realize I  have a mental bucket list. It's going to be fun doing some of the things, some I've done and want to do again.  Only problem, I have a little more weight on me and I'm not sure if I would look as good as I used to doing them.  I'll keep those things my secret for now.

In addition to that freak out, I realized by oldest son is attending his 10 year class reunion.  He's been out of high school for 10 years.  Where did the time go? Wow, it was a true reality check for me.  I know how old I am, but I don't feel that age.  I don't feel old.  I think about my mom at my age, and I've always thought of her as old, yet at 77 she looks great, she looks 50.  Does that mean I look 30?  Is 50 the new 30?  Yes it is!! Well, in my book it is.  I feel great, look great, and gonna keep striving for greatness.  Yes!!!  Life is Great.

Peace

Family

How do I talk about my world without talking about my family?  We are as unique as we are similar. We have the same blood running through our veins.  We are proud people, who have lived with some shame, but have plenty of love and forgiveness.  We have different points of view, and have learned to repectfully disagree, it is what has made us strong.  We live different lives, have been down roads that no one should have travelled, but we have survived and we are family.  No one is better than the other.  Some of us have learned from life lessons and others are still trudging along, and have not learned, life is a lesson. I may not have chosen you, but we're connected.  As I get older I realize my faults, my short comings.  Sometimes I know I should reach out, touch, listen, just be there, but life gets in the way.  I am here now, my life has slowed to that pace I can think, I can hear, I understand, and I know.  So family, I Love You!!  I am here for you. I hope you forgive my shortcomings and will be there for me.

Cooking lessons

T oday didn't start off great.  Sick on my way to work, but now I'm feeling better. I'm going to call the boys and arrange for end of the season day trips for the family.  I love day trips as grandmom,  I can sit back and enjoy the girls and my sons have to do all of the work.  Oh did I forget, I am the ATM....lol, but thats okay too, that's what grandmoms are for.  I love being a mom-mom!!

Why Blog???

I have so many things to say. Probably should write a book.  Well this can be the beginning of that book I've written in my head over and over and over again. I'm just glad to have a forum to release some of this stuff.  So here goes.